joke of the day.

[eddo]

What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?

Art

What do you call his arms and legs hanging on the wall?

Pieces of Art.


What do you call a man with no arms or legs laying in a pothole?

Phil


What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a jacuzzi?

Stew


What do you call a man with no arms or legs under a car?

Jack


What do you call a dog with no legs?

It don't matter, he ain't coming.


Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.


What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef


What do you call a cow with 2 legs shorter than the others?

Lean Beef

 

[ImWithStupid]

What do you call a dog with no legs?


Lump

No Legged Dog

 

[Chi]

A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!"

A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!" When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks. He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!" He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half.

The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp. As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out. "Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??"

 

[Old Salt]

After going through a virus attack, losing a hard drive, fighting off hackers, upgrading all my software, installing fire-walls, being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider, and a host of other problems...

I have fixed my computer...

and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!
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[emkay64]

Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days and then the pioneers saw an old Jewish rabbi sitting beneath a tree. "Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree." "A bacon tree?," asked the wagon train leader. Yah, an bacon tree. Vould I lie? . . . Trust me. I vouldn t go dere."

The leader goes back and tells his people what the rabbi said. "So why did he say not to go there?," a person asked. Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Jewish people - they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old rabbi.

Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."

The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "Oy, vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it.

"Oy Gevalt, I made myself such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree . . . it vuz a ham bush!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Happy Easter and enjoy your fukkin' ham!

 

[Old Salt]

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells 'THEIRS'?

 

[Old Salt]

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.

His mother tells him to stop it as he is liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You are going to break something.

He stops and eventually, Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store.

He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries, gets the urge, A diarrhea run.

She can hardly make it to the toilet in time, and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she is finished, she looks down and cannot believe what she is seeing.

She is not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!

She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he will be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives, she leads him to the bathroom.

He gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be, and POP!

The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I have been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I have ever actually seen a fart !"

 

[Chi]

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his date home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

With an air of confidence, he leans his hand against the wall, and smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how about a goodnight kiss?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad?! My parents will see us!"

"Come on! At this hour??"


"I don't know, but can you imagine if we get caught?!"


"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"


"No way. It's just too risky."


"Please... You know how much I like you..."


"I like you too, but I just can't..."


"Yes you can. Please?..."


"No. I can't.."


"Pleeeeease?..."


Then out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's older sister opens the door in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss already. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his damn hand off the intercom button!!!"

 

[eddo]

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his date home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

With an air of confidence, he leans his hand against the wall, and smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how about a goodnight kiss?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad?! My parents will see us!"

"Come on! At this hour??"


"I don't know, but can you imagine if we get caught?!"


"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"


"No way. It's just too risky."


"Please... You know how much I like you..."


"I like you too, but I just can't..."


"Yes you can. Please?..."


"No. I can't.."


"Pleeeeease?..."


Then out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's older sister opens the door in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss already. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his damn hand off the intercom button!!!"

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_R3_gXR2vl4]YouTube - Priceless Matercard Blow Job[/ame]

 

[Old Salt]

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking ....

Scared the out of me.

So that's it!

After today, no more reading.

 

[ImWithStupid]

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. 'Actually, yes, I do. ''Does it hurt you?' he asked. 'No. I rather like it. ''Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'



The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?' 'Of course, ' the doctor replied. 'Where Do you think politicians come from.'

 

[Old Salt]

A man calls home to his wife and says,

'Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.We'll be gone for a long weekend.This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend.....

And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?

We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.

'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.'

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife,

She does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good.The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.

But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?



You'll love the answer.

The wife replies, ' I did, they're in your tackle box.

Never, never, ever, ever try to outsmart a woman!!!

 

[Old Salt]

Here are some matters worthy of spending awhile meditating on.....?
________________________________________

Can you cry under water?
________________________________________

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
________________________________________

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? argue
________________________________________

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
________________________________________

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
________________________________________

What disease did cured ham actually have?
________________________________________

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
________________________________________

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
________________________________________

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
________________________________________

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
________________________________________

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
________________________________________

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
________________________________________

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
________________________________________

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
________________________________________

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
________________________________________

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
________________________________________

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
________________________________________

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
________________________________________

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
________________________________________

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
________________________________________

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
________________________________________

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
________________________________________

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
________________________________________

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
________________________________________

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

 

[Old Salt]

COWBOY WHISPERER


Cowboy: 'That your dog?'

Indian: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'Mind if I speak to him?'

Indian: 'Dog no talk.'

Cowboy: 'Hey dog, how's it going?'

Dog: 'Doin' all right.'

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: 'Is this Indian your owner?' (Pointing at the Indian..)

Dog: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'How's he treating you?'

Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Indian: 'Horse no talk.'

Cowboy: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool.'

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing to the Indian...)

Horse: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'How's he treating you?'

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather.'

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Indian: 'Sheep lie.'

 

[ImWithStupid]

A father, son and grandfather went to the country club for their weekly round of golf.

Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away, and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, and consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to hit first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent over to place her ball onthe tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green...

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said...

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the pin.

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even a soft seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt."

She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she hit first on the second hole, knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away, smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course...

....... If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner, and then show him a very good time for the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb, "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback so it falls into the cup."

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up, handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"

OLD AGE AND WISDOM WILL OVERCOME SKILL EVERY TIME!!

 

[RoyalOrleans]

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.

Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"

"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

 

[ImWithStupid]

It has just been reported that the head gardener at The White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to many US presidents.



When interviewed the gardener protested his innocence and said, "All I did was ask the Secret Service if anyone had seen the spade and the hoe?"

 

[ImWithStupid]

In Honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has issued a new flavor, ? Barocky Road ?.

Barocky Road is a blend of half Vanilla, half Chocolate, and surrounded by Nuts and Flakes.

The Vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.

The Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The Cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased, it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the Ice Cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you.

Thus you are left with an empty wallet, no change, holding an empty cone, with no hope of getting any Ice Cream.

Aren?t you feeling stimulated?

 

[eddo]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?





Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:


You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Colt Model 1911 45 cal. automatic pistol, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

......................................................................


THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:




Democrat's Answer :

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun, like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law, say about this situation?
Does the pistol, have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that
would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

...............................................................................



Republican's Answer:

BANG!


.........................................................................



Redneck's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG !
Click.....

(Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist'

 

[Old Salt]

The Heaviest Element Known to Science

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Any questions?