Riss'z Journal

[Shadowed Heart]

Apparently, if I've had 4 or more of these for 6+ weeks, I should see a doctor for clinical depression.

Bolded all the ones I've felt latley, underlined the ones that I've felt for 6+ weeks.

And I italicized the ones that happened probably because I've been with Will....

-Feelings of overwhelming sadness and/or fear, or the seeming inability to feel emotion (emptiness).

-A decrease in the amount of interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, daily activities.

-Changing appetite and marked weight gain or loss.

-Disturbed sleep patterns, such as insomnia, loss of REM sleep, or excessive sleep (Hypersomnia).

-Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day.

-Fatigue, mental or physical, also loss of energy.

-Intense feelings of guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, worthlessness, isolation/loneliness and/or anxiety.

-Trouble concentrating, keeping focus or making decisions or a generalized slowing and obtunding of cognition, including memory.

-Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), desire to just "lie down and die" or "stop breathing",recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

-Feeling and/or fear of being abandoned by those close to one.

 

[Shadowed Heart]

Yesterday was the worst day ever. So far.

I found out Will was "cheating" on me. And he dumped me.

I was crying forever. But I'm going to get back at him

Hehe.

I kinda stopped crying though. I cried in Math. And History. But that was it.

There was a dance today, I went, my friend left halfway through so it got boring.

After Will dumped me. I realized. I kinda like my friend Jarren...

I asked him to dance with me but he didn't want to. But he wouldn't dance with anybody so idc.

Although I think he doesn't like me back. Meh... Boys... Not the end of the world... and I found out last night.

<3

 

[Jeezy]

so...are you still with will...or do you want him back?

 

[Shadowed Heart]

I want him back... But I stopped telling him that yesterday... oh well..

 

[Jeezy]

Why do you still want him back?

 

[The_dArkEst_dArk]

yeah why?...

 

[Person]

Riss...

Please listen to Person. He has some great advice.

You need to get over the guy. You're worth more than what the guy is making you seem. Would you cheat on yourself? I think not. The dude is trash no matter how much he says he loves you. Let the relationship end and leave it like that. When he comes crawling back to you, you can keep your head up high and say **** YOU. Trust me...it feels great; especially when they do come back xD Besides, you deserve better Just keep your head up! Go talk to that dude you like hehehe GO! GO! GO!

 

[Shadowed Heart]

Lol. Well, we're still talking, and I wouldn't take him back, I just want it, I'm trying to stop wanting it, but idk why I can't. I won't take him back because 1) I can't trust him and 2) Ever since we broke up, my life has been much better, with my family and friends, I do my chores, because I don't need to be online with him. I hang out with my friends, because I don't need to be there whenever he decides to call me or get online. He called me Wednesday night... It was pretty late but I wanted to talk to him, so I answered. He kept saying "I don't think I made the right choice by breaking up with you for Marie" and whenever I said "Well, I just want you to be happy, and if Marie makes you happy, that makes me happy." And he said "Well lately, you've been making me happy, not her. She and I have already fought a couple times." And I really really do want him back, so badly, but I know it's best for everybody if I don't. We've been broken up for over a week now (last Thursday) and he's supposed to call me either tonight or tomorrow, and I want to ask him if he DOES want me back... But I can't. Because if he says yes... I'll take him bad *shame*. But the other thing he would say is either "No, I told you, I don't love you like I used to." or "No, because I've hurt you too much." When he called me MONDAY afternoon, he was crying... and it was really sad, and I actually tried to cry, but I couldn't.

I think I'll get over it soon, and I hope I will, well, I know I will. But if it really is 'love' (don't start with the 'too young to love' thing), I don't think I will. I agree, even before we broke up, I doubted that he loved, not until about a month before we broke up, did I believe him (funny, 'cos that's when I screwed up... I did something, he told me what it was, to make him kinda stop loving me). And I old him that he always believed me when I said "I love you" because it was true, but I didn't, because it wasn't... I told him also, that I was going to stop telling him that I love him, because if I didn't, I'd never really stop. And I almost said it, I said "because I... can't say it, sorry." And he asked me to say it, and when he did I knew that he knew what I was about to say, and he was asking me to say it? And so I did. I said "because I love you" and he told me he couldn't say it back. No duhh?? I didn't expect it.

What I've hoped for is that we'll eventually stop talking so much that it'll get to the point where I CAN'T love him anymore. Also. There's somebody that I 'like' atm. I don't really like him, like that, he's one of my best friends, and I would go out with him if he asked me, but I don't like him enough to ask him out or anything, not that kind of like at all, but I still would, just because it would help me to forget Will. I think....

And why do I want him back? idk. He makes me smile. Every **** day. idk why. Lots of other people do too, but I don't get that feeling that I get when I talk to him, when I talk to other people. And my heart doesn't speed up like it does when I see his name on my phone when it starts ringing, when I see other people's names. And I don't check my emails hourly just to see how they're doing, for anybody else. idk.... I'm sorry. I'm a little screwed up.

 

[Shadowed Heart]

I.

am.

Engaged!!

to

JARREN!

 

[Jeezy]

Are you serious?

 

[Shadowed Heart]

Yuuuuuuuup no, it was just play. I proposed to him with a ring pop yesterday. XD

But.

I'm also disappointed in myself.

I was talking to Will yesterday... He called me last night and we were talking and I started crying -_-

I told him that I liked somebody, but this other girl, that was really amazing, liked him as well. And he told me I should tell him that I liked him (probably kinda got that I was talking about him) and he tried getting me to for awhile, he told me that I should take a chance, and I said the person I liked didn't like me back, and it kinda shocked me when he said "You never know, he might have had some time to think about it..." And I finally did tell him...

I hate it... I promised myself that I wouldn't tell him I loved him anymore.

And I said "Ok.. Will, I still love you..." And he said "I love you too" which actually ****** me off. Last time he called me he started saying things like "I don't think I made the right decision..." And I told him to shut up, because I didn't want him to say that... And last night he said "I really think I made the wrong decision..." And I asked him what he was talking about.... and he wouldn't tell me and I asked him if he meant breaking up with me... and he said yes... He kept asking me why I didn't hate him. And I really don't know why. And he told me he's do anything do get my trust back, and I know he means well, but he doesn't know what he's doing when he says certain things.

Nyways... I'ma shower and go to bed... After my chores... Lol... XD

 

[Jeezy]

You should seriously forget him

 

[Shadowed Heart]

Yeah... I know... 'Member when I said I'll get him back (top of the page). Looks like I did? But................. meh.. I don't feel all that accomplished...

 

[The_dArkEst_dArk]

forget will!!

 

[Stenners]

oooooooo so its still about will

Things havent changed much since i last was here.... months ago

 

[Shadowed Heart]

Yeah...

Well... We fought last night. End of.

I'm finished with him now.

...

 

[Jeezy]

Yeah...Well... We fought last night. End of.

I'm finished with him now.

...

Yeah...it's good to make a clear cut:thumbsup:

 

[Shadowed Heart]

Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup

I kinda feel bad though, that girl he was cheating on me with (Marie), I still talk to her, and she asked to see what we fought about so I showed her the conversation and now she feels like **** too -_-

 

[Shadowed Heart]

Thanks for the emotional support everybody -_-

 


>_<


Sorry


I'm feeling rather BitchAtEverybody today -_-

 

 


Look.

 


This conversation was on March 3.::


Will: What the ****?


Me: Nevermind


Will: You apparently meant something by that.


Me: You told me to figure out whatever ‘connection’ you were talking about and email you if I had a guess.


Will: Well that isn't it


Me: Well, are you going to tell me?


Will: I told you you need to figure it out


Me: Whatever, just go **** yourself or something.


Will: so you done with the game?


Me: I was never playing





March 13th & 14th.

Me: Liar.

My love for you is purer than gold


It is so delicate, no one can truly behold


Alas, I have saw the look of one as beautiful as thee


Certainly no one can come to disagree

 


My love for you is more than a trice


It has been befuddled before, exactly thrice


Only if you could possible know


How my face would simply aglow

 


My love for you is forever pure


One such as I can only endure


As the tears fall down my face


I can only wish that it could erase

 


My love for you is no more than this


I would be left behind in an eternal bliss


Watching the world melt slowly away


Only to see you brighten my day[




 

 





I really really wanted you to know that I can never stop loving you, that you are the only one for me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I am willing to do anything to make sure that happens. You are the only one that has ever loved me, and you are the only one I have ever truly cared about. No one will replace you in my heart. Sweetie, I don't know how to express my love for you at all. And I didn't know what to do to show it. I decided to write this poem for you anyway. I love you soooo much and i want to see you soon

 


Love Always and Forever


~Will

 


Will: What is that?


Me: It’s the poem you sent me last year. wtf over-came you to write that for someone that you honestly didn’t love? But I’m sure that wasn’t JUST for me…


Will: **** Chris, sent it to the wrong person. I shouldn't have trusted him with sending an email.


Me: Ok… so why have you been ignoring me?


Will: Ignoring you doesn't even cover it. I don't want to talk to you ever again, telling Marie that she shouldn't be believing what I saw.


Me: YES! Good.


You told me I SHOULD me mad, and guess what? I am. I'm ******. I BAREY realized what you've done.


And I'm GLAD I told her what I did.


You don't ******* deserve ANYBODY.


You stupid son-of-a-***** *****.


Will: Stop emailing me. I'm not going to talk to you, all you are doing is spamming my inbox


Me: Good.


Me: btw, don’t impersonate me on Myspace.


Will: What? I'm not doing anything of the sort. I don't go on that account at all.


Me: No matter, you still did it. What made you think you could use MY picture, and MY name, and even my height.


Will: I didn't. I deleted that account just now


Me: You still did it. And I have proof that you did. Also, have you talked to your dad lately?


Will: What proof do you have that it was I who did it? And my dad doesn't use myspace anymore so it isn't frightening me any. You better stop contacting me or my dad or I will have him file a harassment charge against you.


Me: That email. Lol. I’m not harassing you, I’m not forcing you to talk to me. And I guess you told Marie to stop talking to me?


Will: That isn't proof. All because that happened doesn't mean it was me. You assume too much. And I'm not mad because you talked to Marie, she has every right to know. I deserve what I got, her being mad at me, her not wanting to talk to me. And after this email I'm deleting all forms of contact I have ever known to you. No, I never got Marie to stop talking to you, I never made her do anything she didn't want to do.

 


and I stopped after that. Gotta let it go. :’(




 


EDIT: **** THE COLORS ARE GAY! IT WON'T LET ME FIX IT! i hate the new ****....

 


wait.. I fixed it... but the quotes are all supposed to be one thing....

 

[Shadowed Heart]

I feel SO much better about myself now!

Looksie!

From : KYM Davis <sxykat555@msn.com> Sent : Thursday, March 15, 2007 8:14 AM To : shadowed_heart317@hotmail.com Subject : i feel like....

insulting you!!

Gutted.

I was just randomy thinking how much of a ******* man you actually look.

I feel pretty sorry for you tbh, u have a personality of a wet fish outta water to match them manly looks of yours.

How on earth are you ever onna find a fit bf!?!

Haha

The one guy to get with you lives thousands of miles away from you, then choses to **** me over you.

Must be hard being you??

Cor!! if i had to look in the mirror everyday and see yourface id feel sorry for maself!!

Well im shure if u keep surfing the net uwill find sum lonley pervert that will wanna **** u 4 a while, till they get bored and realise ur more of a man than them, but hey, thats life!!

Hope u find one soon so i can laugh at you some more!!

Take care!

My response?

From: shadowed_heart317@hotmail.com

To: sxykat555@msn.com

Subject: Re: i feel like....

Date: Thu, 15 Mar 2007 16:23:04 +0000

It's fine, you're not the first person to say that. As for my personality, you do not know me, therefore you cannot tell me how I am. When I called you a *****, it was right of me, I think, because you slept with a boy you only met only a few months before and you ****** him the same day you met. And for the "The one guy to get with you lives thousands of miles away from you, then choses to **** me over you." comment, I don't care, I gave up on online dating, and I never wanted that from him, I told him that too, that's probably why he broke up with me. I still enjoy talking to him, but ***, is out of the question. I don't care that you're addicting to being ****** by every man you meet, everybody has their own ways of living, you, obviously, are that LetUsGetKnockedUpBeforeITurnEighteen. Mine, is to ultimately make the people I love happy, then me, and then the rest of the world. I guess though, the only people you see regularly are males, but it's usually dark though... and if not, you're looking at their **** going down your throat. But whatever, that's all I've seen from you.


<3