I figured that perhaps if i post every post i make in my Livejournal. I can just paste here, and it will help me come to the site more regularley. and you can get to know me better. So here goes my most recent livejournal post.
I broke down in tears today While talking to marcelo.
... ill say more later about that. First we talk about last night...
Marcelo came over. and wow. That boy can really do it for a long time. (like you people wanted to know, but girls its a good thing right ?) We finally went to sleep at 4 30 am and got up at 9 am. My stomach was not feeling good last night. I had ate some bad cheese earlier in the day so my stomach wasnt feeling good. So i took some medicine and i slept like a baby. I woke up at 9 to marcelo holding me. It was great. He left and i washed my clothes so i can go to work earley and see him and isabella. Since its slow on sundays they wanted me to go. Well curt called me. He wanted to see me. So we hung out and went to buri buri park.
I ended up telling him i have a boyfriend. He is real upset i took so long to tell him but he doesnt mind, he still wants to mess around. Im not too sure about that though. I really do care for marcelo.
So since he was in a bit of a hurry, he dropped me off with a promise that we will talk later.
While at work i spoke with isabella. Apparently she took Ricardos (bossmans) Password and went through everyones employee files while at work and see how much everyone gets paid. It turned out i get paid LESS then everyone else. Even the people who started after me. Tatiana gets $7.50 / hour she started 4 1/2 months ago. Ana christine has been here 3 years so its reasonable that she gets $8.50. I get $7.00 / hour. and i've been here a year and a half. I work so hard. and i am practically begging for hours. since he cant give me any i will ask for a raise. its only fair, right ? I should be on the same level if not higher then those who were just hired. AND they are servers so they get ALL the tips. I just get part (a tiny tiny fraction) of the tips. IF im lucky. I promote this resturaunt so much, its my life i love this place. I work when im not clocked in (when i was for marcelo, when i visit isabella , or pick up my check) I help when its busy and im around. I do my job to the fullest. yesterday Ana (waitress ana) got off and she didnt finish her dishes from her tables... She left everything for me and isabella to do. No. thats not right, during shift change you must clean and restock everything before you leave. she didnt and she didnt ask us to do it. She just left. I always MAKE SURE to finish my job. and you know i will throw in some of the oh its so good to work here / your a great boss stuff as well. boost his ego first.
I drop everything when he calls me to work, and im there within 20 minutes to work, even if i am all the way in san mateo visiting my sister, i will get there as soon as possible. Im extremely dependable. For all of these reasons and more i will ask for a raise. I've been here a year and a half and havent gotten one raise. Still i make minimum wadge.
Anywho aside from that. I ate some potatoe salad and drank some coffee... and suddenly i felt so sick to my stomach. I was nausieated. However you spell it. This is not normal for me. My stomach is so strong and two days in a row its messed up. Yesterday it was understandable because the cheese was bad. But today ... I mean i didnt eat much so that could be why. yeaterday i had a corn tortilla and a small piece of meat along with a lil bit of cheese. all of which went right through me due to the bad cheese. I didnt eat anything else the rest of the nght until today when i had the potatoe salad and coffe. so perhaps that could be why i felt so sick. Or maybe JUST MAYBE its actually all the coffee ive been drinking. Im going to try to lay off the coffe for a week ... it will be a long week, no coffee no marcelo *sigh*
So my stomach started to settle down, i ate some bread and i felt better. It was sort off busy sort of not. I wish it was busier but it wasnt which was sorta good because my stomach was sick and all. everyone is asking if perhaps im pregnant.... because i am never nausiated. Im not. hopefully. I seriousely doubt it. but all of this made me think... i had the talk with curt but i didnt have the talk with marcelo. Considering he is really religious i wanted to know what he and i would do if i fell pregnant even though we do use protection. and what his feelings are about abortion.
He doesnt like the idea of abortion AT ALL. This is something we disagree on. I think its a persons choice, a hard choice one that we shouldnt make for them.
IF i feel pregnant i told him that i would want to talk to him and see about how he feels. Considering im only 19 in college and working. I cant take care of a kid financially or emotionally. So i would want to abort it. He wouldnt want me to. So we agreed that this month when i get my buss pass (august) i will go to planned parenthood and get birth control.
All of this led into me talking about Em ... his ex girlfriend whom also lives in richmond (an hour away) right by him. She calls him a lot, im a very jealous person so of course i cant get her off my mind. This is botheirng him because he says forget about her - but i cant. no. not when she calls him 3 times while he is with me. I think they still have something going on. but he swears on everything that he doesnt, which i kind of believe as well. i think im just thinking too much about it. Just because she calls him a lot doesnt mean they hve anything going on. She has a boyfriend and marcelo has 3 jobs + me. So yea, im starting to forget its just taking time. (he broke up with em to go out with me.)
And finally...
This led me into talking about my therapist. I told him that its hard to not think about Em becaus im home all week by myself. So i think alot. and i havent seen my therapist for 3 weeks so im real moody and upset a lot. He wanted to know why i go, why he wants to see me once a week and what we talk about.
I told him that in september of last year i weighed 224lbs. I stayed in my room all day i rarely left the house, theres times where id go a week or two without setting foot outside. I wouldnt leave i had no friends. I rarely ate i would throw up when i did eat and worse i would cut myself and drank alot when i was upset.
I went to my doctor and told her i did not want to live - that i was hurting myself and i wanted help. Then she sent me to him and we tried medicine but it didnt agree with me and i dont want to take it -so he wont force me. we talk about everything life family friends problems soloutions ways to handle certain issues without hurting myself. He is who got me to go to the beach or that spot behind the church that overlooks the beach. He got me to eat better im skinner now because i actually leave my room i do stuff i see people i talk to them. i make friends. I go to school. Basically im the opposite of how i used to be. its like night and day.
But when i go longer then 2 weeks without seeing him. i get moody irritable, upset, i cry alot and i want to cut. I really do (this is after 3 weeks) I am so scared im going to hurt myself. I dont know what to do, i need to talk to him but i dont have the money. its a viscious cycle.
I told marcelo that sometimes when im alone at the beach, trying to clear my head i think and i talk to *** and jesus, I ask if theyre really there or if they even exists.... i ask them for help and i thank them for the help i get.... If there is something there at least. I told marcelo i am very confused.
By this time i was in tears .. i started crying when i was telling him about the cutting and stuff and how i am afriad of going back.
He just held me while i cryed... He told me to think positive and dont let myself get to stressed. dont think too much over it and he understands life is hard but i have to be strong. Physically i am so strong. but emotionally im so weak. I cant be weak ... he will help me... i cant ask for help. I need to do everything on my own. He understands somewhat but not all the way... Im just scared im stressed out. i need money for books...
and i need to see my therapist.
That was last night, i posted this this morning...
Therapist appointment tomorrow... Finally.
Things to talk about.
* Marcelo - Curt decision
* overstressed
* Scared of hurting myself.
* Going to ask for a raise
* My nephew missing me, how good it makes me feel that he thinks of me.
* Secluding myself in my room.
* The whole culinary academy issue.
* Waking up with migranes
* Marcelo, Not having time for me, and the Em Issue.
* Didnt do the aids walk and i really wanted to.
* My brother and the drugs.
I broke down in tears today While talking to marcelo.
... ill say more later about that. First we talk about last night...
Marcelo came over. and wow. That boy can really do it for a long time. (like you people wanted to know, but girls its a good thing right ?) We finally went to sleep at 4 30 am and got up at 9 am. My stomach was not feeling good last night. I had ate some bad cheese earlier in the day so my stomach wasnt feeling good. So i took some medicine and i slept like a baby. I woke up at 9 to marcelo holding me. It was great. He left and i washed my clothes so i can go to work earley and see him and isabella. Since its slow on sundays they wanted me to go. Well curt called me. He wanted to see me. So we hung out and went to buri buri park.
I ended up telling him i have a boyfriend. He is real upset i took so long to tell him but he doesnt mind, he still wants to mess around. Im not too sure about that though. I really do care for marcelo.
So since he was in a bit of a hurry, he dropped me off with a promise that we will talk later.
While at work i spoke with isabella. Apparently she took Ricardos (bossmans) Password and went through everyones employee files while at work and see how much everyone gets paid. It turned out i get paid LESS then everyone else. Even the people who started after me. Tatiana gets $7.50 / hour she started 4 1/2 months ago. Ana christine has been here 3 years so its reasonable that she gets $8.50. I get $7.00 / hour. and i've been here a year and a half. I work so hard. and i am practically begging for hours. since he cant give me any i will ask for a raise. its only fair, right ? I should be on the same level if not higher then those who were just hired. AND they are servers so they get ALL the tips. I just get part (a tiny tiny fraction) of the tips. IF im lucky. I promote this resturaunt so much, its my life i love this place. I work when im not clocked in (when i was for marcelo, when i visit isabella , or pick up my check) I help when its busy and im around. I do my job to the fullest. yesterday Ana (waitress ana) got off and she didnt finish her dishes from her tables... She left everything for me and isabella to do. No. thats not right, during shift change you must clean and restock everything before you leave. she didnt and she didnt ask us to do it. She just left. I always MAKE SURE to finish my job. and you know i will throw in some of the oh its so good to work here / your a great boss stuff as well. boost his ego first.
I drop everything when he calls me to work, and im there within 20 minutes to work, even if i am all the way in san mateo visiting my sister, i will get there as soon as possible. Im extremely dependable. For all of these reasons and more i will ask for a raise. I've been here a year and a half and havent gotten one raise. Still i make minimum wadge.
Anywho aside from that. I ate some potatoe salad and drank some coffee... and suddenly i felt so sick to my stomach. I was nausieated. However you spell it. This is not normal for me. My stomach is so strong and two days in a row its messed up. Yesterday it was understandable because the cheese was bad. But today ... I mean i didnt eat much so that could be why. yeaterday i had a corn tortilla and a small piece of meat along with a lil bit of cheese. all of which went right through me due to the bad cheese. I didnt eat anything else the rest of the nght until today when i had the potatoe salad and coffe. so perhaps that could be why i felt so sick. Or maybe JUST MAYBE its actually all the coffee ive been drinking. Im going to try to lay off the coffe for a week ... it will be a long week, no coffee no marcelo *sigh*
So my stomach started to settle down, i ate some bread and i felt better. It was sort off busy sort of not. I wish it was busier but it wasnt which was sorta good because my stomach was sick and all. everyone is asking if perhaps im pregnant.... because i am never nausiated. Im not. hopefully. I seriousely doubt it. but all of this made me think... i had the talk with curt but i didnt have the talk with marcelo. Considering he is really religious i wanted to know what he and i would do if i fell pregnant even though we do use protection. and what his feelings are about abortion.
He doesnt like the idea of abortion AT ALL. This is something we disagree on. I think its a persons choice, a hard choice one that we shouldnt make for them.
IF i feel pregnant i told him that i would want to talk to him and see about how he feels. Considering im only 19 in college and working. I cant take care of a kid financially or emotionally. So i would want to abort it. He wouldnt want me to. So we agreed that this month when i get my buss pass (august) i will go to planned parenthood and get birth control.
All of this led into me talking about Em ... his ex girlfriend whom also lives in richmond (an hour away) right by him. She calls him a lot, im a very jealous person so of course i cant get her off my mind. This is botheirng him because he says forget about her - but i cant. no. not when she calls him 3 times while he is with me. I think they still have something going on. but he swears on everything that he doesnt, which i kind of believe as well. i think im just thinking too much about it. Just because she calls him a lot doesnt mean they hve anything going on. She has a boyfriend and marcelo has 3 jobs + me. So yea, im starting to forget its just taking time. (he broke up with em to go out with me.)
And finally...
This led me into talking about my therapist. I told him that its hard to not think about Em becaus im home all week by myself. So i think alot. and i havent seen my therapist for 3 weeks so im real moody and upset a lot. He wanted to know why i go, why he wants to see me once a week and what we talk about.
I told him that in september of last year i weighed 224lbs. I stayed in my room all day i rarely left the house, theres times where id go a week or two without setting foot outside. I wouldnt leave i had no friends. I rarely ate i would throw up when i did eat and worse i would cut myself and drank alot when i was upset.
I went to my doctor and told her i did not want to live - that i was hurting myself and i wanted help. Then she sent me to him and we tried medicine but it didnt agree with me and i dont want to take it -so he wont force me. we talk about everything life family friends problems soloutions ways to handle certain issues without hurting myself. He is who got me to go to the beach or that spot behind the church that overlooks the beach. He got me to eat better im skinner now because i actually leave my room i do stuff i see people i talk to them. i make friends. I go to school. Basically im the opposite of how i used to be. its like night and day.
But when i go longer then 2 weeks without seeing him. i get moody irritable, upset, i cry alot and i want to cut. I really do (this is after 3 weeks) I am so scared im going to hurt myself. I dont know what to do, i need to talk to him but i dont have the money. its a viscious cycle.
I told marcelo that sometimes when im alone at the beach, trying to clear my head i think and i talk to *** and jesus, I ask if theyre really there or if they even exists.... i ask them for help and i thank them for the help i get.... If there is something there at least. I told marcelo i am very confused.
By this time i was in tears .. i started crying when i was telling him about the cutting and stuff and how i am afriad of going back.
He just held me while i cryed... He told me to think positive and dont let myself get to stressed. dont think too much over it and he understands life is hard but i have to be strong. Physically i am so strong. but emotionally im so weak. I cant be weak ... he will help me... i cant ask for help. I need to do everything on my own. He understands somewhat but not all the way... Im just scared im stressed out. i need money for books...
and i need to see my therapist.
That was last night, i posted this this morning...
Therapist appointment tomorrow... Finally.
Things to talk about.
* Marcelo - Curt decision
* overstressed
* Scared of hurting myself.
* Going to ask for a raise
* My nephew missing me, how good it makes me feel that he thinks of me.
* Secluding myself in my room.
* The whole culinary academy issue.
* Waking up with migranes
* Marcelo, Not having time for me, and the Em Issue.
* Didnt do the aids walk and i really wanted to.
* My brother and the drugs.
