Dear Log
Instability has taken its toll on me. I went for a walk for hours last night. I walked to places where I had never been before in this town. I felt like following the highway and walking to either Melbourne or Sydney, but I didn't. The only thing that held me back was a little angel on my shoulder telling me that I needed to walk somewhere where I know I'll be safe. I walked to Imogen's. She was at Liam's 21st that I now know that I missed out on. So I found myself tapping at Daniel's window. He smiled through the glass and came out. He hugged me and didn't let go.
He asked me if I had done anything to myself and I simply didn't answer and thus, he took for a yes and didn't let go of me for a good twenty minutes. I found myself smiling at laughing at things, like the cat that likes to follow us around whenever we walk past the neighbour's yard. It's ae pregnant black and white one. It sits there on the fence meowing at us or its basking in the sun on the pathway. Reminds me of my gorgeous cat, Miffy. It came over to me yesterday when I clicked my fingers and summoned it. I got to pat it. The old lady that owns the cat is very nice to Daniel and I.
He came over to my place last night and he knew somehow instantly that I wasn't alright by myself. I found myself laughing at him at times, sharing random facts like did you know that you cannot fold a piece of paper more than 9 times? Interesting. Then we would just be lying on there silently without doing anything and I would just start crying my eyes out. I don't think I've been so much hugged in my life by that man, ever. He kept telling me that everything was okay, I wasn't the cause for our relationship failing and that I'm going to be okay someday. I kept saying that if I hadn't been such a controlling ***** towards him we could've worked out, he just shook his head and said that our differences were too big and that's the thing that made us not work out. Is it fair to me to think this way, Log? I think it is.
I still don't want to be alive but I'm holding onto the end of all hope as Tarja Turunen would put it in Nightwish's End of All Hope. The cuts, some of them were deep. I told him to his face I've figured something out, if I cut closer to the hand the easier and more it bleeds. You know why? He would just shake his head as I felt a couple of tears drench my shirt. The main arteries/veins are the closest to the skin here as they peak upwards and go different ways to supply blood to all your hand so you have a functioning hand.
I woke up this morning still feeling like utter **** and as though Huxley's Brave New World had just taken a sudden hypocritical jerk in the "no human emotions" theme of the 1930s book which I wish never to read again, although I draw inspiration from it and show some connections between the book and Tourniquet, but Tourniquet is different, as I rather admit I have more of a connection between the book and the 1990's film Bladerunner with Harrison Ford in it. I never got to see the real cut of that movie, never, I've only seen the director's cut. It's funny how things work in this world, ain't it Log? It's also **** amazing how I've just drawn a conclusion between the word **** and Brave New World. Funny, cos the book is a piece of ****. Haha.
He said if I ever do it again, he's taking me to the hospital. He said I should stay home today and not do anything that might inflict harm on him or myself. I saw the sorrow in his eyes and still, I can't help but to feel like there's just something missing. I'm alone. And I'm blank inside. There's just an empty hollow space in me that is going to end up killing me. I wish I could've left this lifetime last night, I really wish it. Or I wouldn't feel incomplete.
I walked in front of several cars last night crossing the roads. It was a statistic worth trying to prove - how many people die from getting hit from cars. I hardly slept last night even though I had him beside me - telling me that everything is alright and I just can't see clearly. People slitting their wrists, it's normal. Everyone does it. He went through a stage where he hated his life (before I came around) and now I ask why he has these burns on his arms - it's where he burnt himself with a cigarette because he found his life meaningless as well, just how I feel. The veins in my hands as I type this are bluish green. It's a funny thing the human body.
I'm going to print out Tourniquet or the LPFs for him. He complains there's nothing to do at either one of our houses so I'm going to get him to read over Tourniquet for me. I think that's the only thing I'm looking forward to in the next two or so years, finishing Project Tourniquet's quest for the Old World and hopefully, publishing it, so it'll be on every bookshelf in the country. JT wants a copy if it's not released over there.
thats my therapy for myself lol
