RoyalOrleans

Pierce Brosnan makes my anus quiver.

I would tell, but my attorney says not to discuss the incident.

My bed is on the opposing wall of the swing of the door. If an intruder were to come in, you couldn't see the bed or me right away. If I'm awake BAM!, I sleep with a .357 strapped beneath my boxspring. I've actually played out scenarios in which I'd have to go for my pistol. In restaurants, I find walls and if there are only tables sitting out in the middle... I leave.

Number 12 With snafu talking about how much he hates laces, it reminded me of my distaste for Zelcro.

I was sprayed once with mace. By accident, of course. I was reaching into my ex-wife's purse for a lighter when I was suddenly squirted in the face.

Another quirk of mine... Number 11 Call it paranoia, call it being safe. I can't stand to have my back to a door when I'm in a public place (ie restaurant). If it were to happen, I'd rather be charged full on than to blindsided.

It's that Scotch-Irish gene that is so prevalent in my family. I used to get into fights when I was a wee lad, because of my hair color. If I came home with a dotted eye or busted lip, my older brothers would ride the bus with me to school the next day. Nobody, but nobody fucked with my oldest brother. Rodger could make mincemeat out of anyone. I remember him getting suspended once for breaking some miserable prick's nose which in turn blackened both eyes. I don't recall ever being pale, but I guess my freckles made me look tan. Today, I have like five freckles.

Well we all have to die of something... I might as well die doing something I enjoy and good at.

You bring up an interesting point, Tori. It's at the peak of your scalp, but it is an interesting point. Wrap that sonofabitch up and the worries seem to fly away. I do have one standard that seeps into all aspects of getting some leg; no visible scars, bumps, blisters, or tats.

Felices compleanos.

Ohh... I did not know that. See what being on a "Mod high horse" can do to a fella!

Furthermore, an offender incapable of inserting his own bamboo shoot will be ass-raped by the stone hurlers.

Don't flatter yourself, tiger.

Vander you should be able to choose an avatar now. There is a twenty-five post minimum. Check your UserCP now.

Smoking I can handle, I smoke and it is one more thing I have in common. Cursing? I can do without. I mean, everyone gets angry and shouts expletives. That's fine, we're only human. To have a woman curse in common everyday speech is just, as you say, trashy.

Article IX, Line VII: The punishment should always fit the crime. In the case of chewing gum, an offender must insert a bamboo shoot in their own ass while he is publicly stoned.

Squishy is on par with an old woman's flabby arm. Total fucking turn off, Vander.

Just a reminder, its these politically correct assholes that made the word "******" taboo.

Oh... I thought you had caught a glimpse of my ass.

That is the point I'm laboring to make. One night stands should not have a standard, because it is merely a flash in the pants and is over before it begins. No relationship other than you know each others first name.

Let's contemplate an "if"... If Jessica Simpson were to show up at your doorstep and begged you for a taste of your manmeat, you wouldn't hit it? I would. No fucking doubt. I know shit about this chick (ie what she sings, etc) the one thing I do know is, her breasts are real. According to her father's own words in a Playboy interview. See... Playboy does have some great, informative articles. Is there suddenly a standard for one night stands? If so, I missed that article. I mean, that's what is so fucking cool about a one night stand, right? You know what you did, she knows what she did; yet no word is spoken about it pending a degree of standard. Example 1] I'd most certainly nail Jessica Simpson and I'd nail her ugly little sister, too. I would brag about the Jessica Simpson lay and keep my mouth shut about porking her sister. Example 2] (To a buddy) "Last night I porked Louise from Accounting. Yea... don't say anything.". Jessica Alba? I'd pop her in the butthole.

What if your head matched the size of her combined breats? Man... you'd be a wicked waterhead.

My quirks? Here is a partial list, I feel that I'll develop more over time so I couldn't possibly fit all of them in. Number 1 I smoke. I have seriously cut back in the last couple of months, however I'm not ready to give it up just yet. At one time I was going through a pack a day, I'm down to around six a day. I'll quit when I'm damn good and ready to quit. Don't lecture me! Number 2 I drink. To get a buzz off of beer, I need to consume at least a twelve pack and sneak in a shot or three of Evan Williams. On average, I'll down a six pack a night. On cold nights, I switch to whiskey or vodka. Number 3 Knobs. The knobs on the dryer, washer, stove, oven, dishwasher, etc are double, triple checked. You never can be too sure. Number 4 Buttons. I hate button-down collars. I never wear them or button them down if I were to wear one. Number 5 Doors. I hate to see closet doors, laundry room doors, and cabinet doors left open when they aren't in immediate use. Number 6 Telephones and cellphones. I rarely ever say "goodbye". I don't know why. Its a sickness really. I also keep my conversations under two minutes. Number 7 I look people in the eyes when I talk to them. Some people think its unsettling, but its how I communicate with folk. Its especially unnerving to liars. Number 8 I like to count things in multiples of five. Number 9 I eat faster than most, a trait I picked up in my beloved Corp. I have slowed down a bit, because I've made myself sick. Number 10 I sleep in the buff, no matter the temperature outside or inside. It's a wonder I haven't been snatched up!

You must've read it wrong, Ham.