joke of the day.

[Old Salt]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM WHEN ON A BUDGET:

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, size 14-16 - or larger.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo
magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun
shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the
mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was
hard to tell from all the blood.

P.S. - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.'



INSTALLATION COMPLETE!!!!

Thanks for using the Redneck Security Company

 

[Old Salt]

So it seems that a couple of weeks ago, Lucifer himself was walking
around Hell, observing all the suffering. He was on a mission to be
sure everyone was enduring the maximum pain when he noticed a chubby
old guy with white hair sweating and shoveling coal.

The guy was obviously in great distress, but the Devil decided he just
wasn't suffering sufficiently.

So, he walked up to the perspiring old fellow and whispered in his
ear,"Hey, Teddy... Have I told you a Republican got your Senate seat?"

 

[Old Salt]

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United
States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie
down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the
distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon
... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens
up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe
with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees a ham bush...."

 

[ImWithStupid]

Senator Harry Reid Buys a Car

Sen. Reid goes to a local GM dealer in Washington, D.C. with the intention of buying a brand new vehicle. Harry looks around and finds one he likes.

After going back and forth with the salesman, Harry settles on a price of $45,000.

Harry and the salesman go back to the office to complete the paperwork. Harry works out a 4-year payment plan, and signs on the bottom line.

The salesman shakes Harry’s hand and says, “Thanks Senator Reid, the car will be ready for pickup in 4 years.”

Harry says, “What are you talking about? Where are the keys to my new car?”

The salesman replies, “No, you don’t understand Senator. You make payments for 4 years… THEN we give you the car. You know, just like your health plan.”

Harry, with a choking voice, says to the salesman, “But that’s not fair.”

The salesman says, “NO sh t! “

 

[eddo]

WHY I AM DEPRESSED


Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "Pick up
your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the
Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, " Lay
down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the
Promised Land.â€

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of
Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy,
the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I
called Lifeline. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan . I told them I
was suicidal.





They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

[RegisteredAndEducated]

A farmer buys a new bantam rooster for his hen house. The lil banty is ****y and ready to go.
He walks into the yard goes right up to the old rooster and says to him "Get out cause I'm takin over."
The old rooster begs him not to throw him out, but the banty says "No way you gotta go."

The old rooster says "Please just let me have those two old hens over there. We will stay in the corner and you wont even know we are there."

The banty says "Look I told you that have to go."

The old rooster says "OK, I'll tell ya what. I'll race you for it winner take all."

The banty just laughed at him and says "OK, and to show you I'm a good sport, I'll even give you a ten second head start."
The old rooster agreed.

They knelt down, the old rooster took off. Ten seconds later the banty took off behind him. The old rooster was giving it all he had, but the youngster was gaining on him FAST!

They rounded the final corner of the barn. The farmer who was sitting on the porch saw this... He jumped up... Grabbed his shot gun... and BOOM!

Blew the banty rooster to bits.

The farmer then just hung his head and said "I'll be darned that makes the third gay rooster I have bought this month..."

 

[eddo]

Did you know that the word "racecar" spelled backward still spells "racecar"?



Did you also know that "eat" is the only word that, if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense, "ate"?




And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, violent, non-English-speaking assholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you."


How weird is that???

 

[Old Salt]

HILLBILLY BIRTH


Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming.'
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . .. . ..
|
| 'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

 

[timesjoke]

Who died the worst death:
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died. First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the ******* hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the butt hole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man. Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

 

[ImWithStupid]

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."

 

[ImWithStupid]

A Cow, an Ant, and an butt hole are debating on who is the greatest of the
three:



a.. Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the
greatest!!!

b.. Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times
my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!

c...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
,
,
,

Why are you scrolling down........it's your turn to say something.
.
.
.

 

[ImWithStupid]

A Fairy Tale For Guys

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... “Will you marry me?”

The Princess said “NO!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf
and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch
and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up
and farted whenever he wanted.

The End​

 

[ImWithStupid]

Top 10 Things Overheard in the White House During Obama’s First Term
Blog by Leigh Patrick
(13 Hours Ago) in Politics 10. “What should I do next, Senior Chavez?”

9. “You mean BP doesn’t stand for Boston Pizza?”

8.”Honestly, Barack! A teleprompter in the bedroom?”

7. “I’m not sure a Che Guevara wall flag in the Oval Office is a good idea, Mr. President.”

6. “Heads, we take over the auto industry. Tails, we nationalize the oil industry.”

5. “Apology list: Iraq –check. Saudi Arabia – check. Palestine – check. Syria…”

4. “Canada’s health care system is a perpetual money-sucking vortex that has resulted in bloated bureaucracy, demanding unions, longer wait times, and a steady exodus of their best and brightest professionals out of the country. Finally we’ve found the perfect template for Obamacare!”

3. “Sean Penn, line two.”

2. “Have they chosen someone to play me in the movie yet?”

1. “Damn Bush keeps calling, laughing, and hanging-up.”

 

[Old Salt]

I do not like this Uncle Sam,
I do not like his health care scam.
I do not like these dirty crooks,
Or how they lie and cook the books.

I do not like when Congress steals,
I do not like their secret deals.
I do not like this speaker Nan,
I do not like this 'YES WE CAN'.

I do not like this spending spree,
I'm smart, I know that nothing's free,
I do not like your smug replies,
when I complain about your lies.

I do not like this kind of hope.
I do not like it. nope, nope, nope!

 

[Old Salt]

The coach put together the perfect team for the Oakland
Raiders. The only thing missing was a good
quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, even the
Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer that
would ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN, the coach saw a war-zone
scene in Afghanistan.

In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim
soldier with a truly incredible arm. The soldier threw a hand-grenade
straight into a 15th story window, 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away -- right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" the Coach said to himself. "He
has the perfect arm!"

He brought the soldier to the States and taught him the
great game of football and the Raiders went on to win
the Super Bowl.


The young Afghan was hailed as a great football hero and
when the coach asked him what he wanted, the young man
answered that he wanted to call his mother.

"Mom," he said into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman said.
"You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man
pleaded. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the
world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorted."At this very
moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood
is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within
an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your
sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!"

The old lady paused, and then tearfully said,
"I will never forgive you for making us
move to Oakland !!”

 

[ImWithStupid]

The coach put together the perfect team for the Oakland
Raiders. The only thing missing was a good
quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, even the
Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer that
would ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN, the coach saw a war-zone
scene in Afghanistan.

In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim
soldier with a truly incredible arm. The soldier threw a hand-grenade
straight into a 15th story window, 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away -- right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" the Coach said to himself. "He
has the perfect arm!"

He brought the soldier to the States and taught him the
great game of football and the Raiders went on to win
the Super Bowl.


The young Afghan was hailed as a great football hero and
when the coach asked him what he wanted, the young man
answered that he wanted to call his mother.

"Mom," he said into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman said.
"You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man
pleaded. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the
world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorted."At this very
moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood
is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within
an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your
sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!"

The old lady paused, and then tearfully said,
"I will never forgive you for making us
move to Oakland !!”

That is awesome!!! :lol:

 

[ImWithStupid]

The 1st Affair​

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying *******!
You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'




The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'​

 

[ImWithStupid]

- - - - The Queen's Riddle - - - -​

​

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.​

​

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?​

Are there any tips you can give to me?"​

​

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."​

​

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"​

​

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." ​

​

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Prime Minister, David Cameron in here, would you?"​

​

David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"​

​

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David, your mother and father have a child. ​

It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"​

​

Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me."​

​

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.​

​

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. ​

"Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. ​

It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"​

​

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." ​

He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. ​

Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.​

​

Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father ​

have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"​

​

Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"​

​

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" ​

​

Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research ​

and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell!"​

​

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, ​

"No! you idiot! It's David Cameron!"​

​

 

[Old Salt]

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey makes the attempt with same result, all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs.

To his shock, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one.

The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

Why not?

Because as far as they know, that is the way it has always been done around here.

And that, my fellow monkeys, is how Democrats operate.....

Author unknown.

 

[Old Salt]

Older men scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall
and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for
men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home
Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or
truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both
start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts
almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to
look).
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask
for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start
undressing.. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the
other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd,
26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take
advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones
for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their
stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds
just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn
them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before
lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)