joke of the day.

[Hack]

DISCLAIMER: I like sick humour!!! beware!!!

these three homosexual guys were standing around discussing what to do with the remains of their recently dearly departed friend.

the first gay guy says " because Bill loved the ocean so much I think we should have him cremated and scatter his ashes at the beach"

the other two looked thoughtful

the second gay guy says " well, Bill also loved to play golf, I think we should bury him at the cemetary that overlooks his favorite golf couse"

the other two looked thoughtful

after much deliberation the third gay guy speaks up and says " I think we should grind up his flesh and make a big pot of spaghetti out of him and have a feast"

the other two look aghast.

seeing their expression the third gay guy spoke up again, he said " hey, look, it is a memory thing... I just wanted to feel him slipping out of my a$$hole one last time"

 

[mercury]

This one made me think of the site censor:



(I?m telling a group of visitors about the peacokks at our zoo. After I?ve finished, one of the visitors stops me.)

Visitor: ?Young man, can I have a word with you?

Me: ?Certainly, ma?am. How can I help you?

Visitor: ?I don?t appreciate you using that kind of language in front of my children.?

Me: ?I?m sorry ma?am, I wasn?t aware I had.?

Visitor: ?We prefer to call those birds over there pearoosters.?

Me: ?Um, why??

Visitor: ?Because peacokk is a bad word! I really don?t think you should be using that sort of language and those dirty words in front of small children!?

 

[Old Salt]

Bubba went to a psychiatrist

" I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

 

[Hack]

lmao... worked for me!!

 

[Old Salt]

Peace at Last



The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the: United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)

These mostly Southern boys will be dropped off into Afghanistan and will be given only the following facts about the Taliban and terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.
Applications are available at your local Wal-Mart sporting goods counter.

 

[RegisteredAndEducated]

Peace at Last



The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the: United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)

These mostly Southern boys will be dropped off into Afghanistan and will be given only the following facts about the Taliban and terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.
Applications are available at your local Wal-Mart sporting goods counter.

its funny because it's probably true...

 

[Old Salt]

its funny because it's probably true...

The funniest jokes usually have a hint of truth in them.

 

[eddo]

its funny because it's probably true...

The funniest jokes usually have a hint of truth in them.

My Wal-mart has no such forms.


lying bastids...

 

[Old Salt]

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,
I wanna watch.

 

[Ahhlee]

(I got this in an email and already posted it at the Jungle, but I figured I'd post it here, too.)



Congratulations to Ted Kennedy...

...38 days without a drink.


Way to go, Ted!

 

[Old Salt]

Firefighters dodge sparks as they saw through metal ring into which man had inserted his penis. He used the weight in effort to make it longer, but it got stuck for three days.

Daily Pilot - Serving Newport Beach & Costa Mesa, California

 

[Old Salt]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary? "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters kissed me." "My Lord, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

 

[Old Salt]

Tom had been in business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road... having a Christmas party Friday night... thought you might like to come. About 5pm."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More 'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

 

[Old Salt]

Will I Live to Be 80?...

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age (I am 59). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh just a little wine,' I replied.. 'Also I've never done drugs!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a sh t?'

 

[snafu]

Will I Live to Be 80?...

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age (I am 59). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh just a little wine,' I replied.. 'Also I've never done drugs!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a sh t?'

Amen..

Why live?

 

[Old Salt]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read:

?California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.?

One week later, the Times, a local newspaper in Helena, MT reported the following:

?After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near, Spring Meadow, Bubba Brown, a self-taught archaeologist reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Montana had already gone wireless.?

Just makes me proud to be from Montana.

 

[Old Salt]

Michelle Obama told her husband, "Barack, I have a wonderful idea! I know how we can get Middle America to support your healthcare plan and bring your ratings back up!"

"Great, but how will we do that?", asks an intrigued Mr. Obama.

"Well, Michelle responds, we'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Americans wear and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador."

"When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in Middle America, and we'll show them that we really enjoy the countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there."

A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from Washington in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for.

With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They step up to the bar and the bartender takes a step back and say's, "You're President and First Lady!"

Michelle answers, "Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Barack suggested that we stop and take in some local color."

They then order a couple of tails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walks out the door. A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and then left the bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled. Eventually Michelle and Barack could stand it no longer and called the bartender over.

"Tell me, said Michelle, why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?"

"Good Lord no.", said the bartender, "It's just that someone told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two butt holes!"

 

[Old Salt]

No Bell Piece Prize

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs(for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his sroosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine speciment he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. THe pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement. old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he bacame as overnight sensation among the judges.

The result... The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awrds on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

 

[Old Salt]

If it ain't broke...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple have been married a few year when a family member passes and leaves them an old cabin way back in the woods. At first they have no idea what to do with it but then, After a visit one week-end they decide that it is a wonderful place to get away for a while.

The only trouble with the place is the lack of an indoor toliet and from the start the wife has been fussing about the outhouse being broken. Like most husbands, the man has selective hearing and only catches part of what his wife is saying. He finds himself thinking "What can break in an outhouse" ?

One week-end as he is getting ready to go he asks his wife why she isn't ready. She tells him I am not going unless you promise to fix the outhouse ! Ok he say. I'll fix the outhouse......

When they arrive at the cabin, she don't even allow him to carry in their things. Its straight to the outhouse. Its a one seater and she has to stand outside while he goes in and looks things over. He looks and looks but sees nothing wrong and says so. You have to get closer to see it she says.

Well this goes on until his head is nearly in the hole and he is getting upset. He jerks his head out to yell at his wife and when he does, His beard gets caught in a tiny split in the wooden seat !

OUCH ! he yells. Wife turns and walks away with a grin. Hurts don't it ?

 

[Old Salt]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying
"Hello."

I politely said,
"This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
"Get the right f ing number!"
and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
"You're an asshole!"
and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
"You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my theraputic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
"Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled
"NO!"
and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
"That's because you're an asshole!"
and hung up.

One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

Some guy in a black BMW
cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale " sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,
right after calling the first asshole
(I had is number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said,
"Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said,
"Yes, it is."

I then asked,
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

He said,
"Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax .
It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked,
"What's your name?"

He said,
"My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked,
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said,
"I'm home every evening after five."

I said,
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said,
"Yes?"

I said,
"Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up,
and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.

He said,
"Hello."

I said,
"You're an asshole!"
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,
"Are you still there?"

I said,
"Yeah!"

He screamed,
"Stop calling me,"

I said,
"Make me,"

He asked,
"Who are you?"

I said,
"My name is Don Hansen."

He said,
"Yeah? Where do you live?"

I said,
"Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said,
"I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said,
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,"
and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said,
"Hello?"

I said,
"Hello, asshole,"

He yelled,
"If I ever find out who you are..."

I said,
"You'll what?"

He exclaimed,
"I'll kick your ass,"

I answered,
"Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.