Ravyn's Journal

[Ravynlee]

Hahaha Rav, poor thing.
Take care. Can't you tell them to leave eachother if they feel that way so badly?

One would argue why battered wives don't leave their husbands after getting the snot slapped out of them? Meh. Why's the sky blue? What's the meaning of life? What planet are men really from? XD

They're nice people (when he's not doing his nutter at her) :snuffle: which is usually the case isn't it? Street angel, home devil?? They don't yell ALL the time. just like... well, at least 3/4 times min a week. Prolly. Lost count. Try not to keep score at all. Had to call the cops on the neighbours on the other side last year when he (Matt - neighbour on the right hand side of me) went mad and stormed off outside, smashing his stereo and stuff in the middle of the road. That was spooky.

*bug eyes*

Oh - and short answer as to why they don't separate. No. They just had a little bub together. Eli. He was a month premi and is still in hospital for another week or two yet. *shrugs* People!

 

[Friðbjörn]

Why's the sky blue?

That's actually because there's some matter in sunlight that makes the sky appear blue to our eyes here on the earth

I have no idea why I know that

But yeah that dude should stop slappin his wife and start thinkin with his brain or something. It's not just cruel or sadistic, it's dumb, to beat one's wife.

But then again if he's a nihilist or something, then he just doesn't give a ****, so what are you gonna do...

 

[twilightcrimson7]

Heyyyy Rav, just stoppin' by. I really don't have anything useful to say outside of what these guys *points* said

Sooo take care I guess

^^

*huggle*

 

[Ravynlee]

Thanks Vi! Haha, I need to remember things like that and stop harboring useless information that no one else really gives a lick about. But you didn't tell me what planet guys are really from...? Trusted secret? XD

Ah... *** damnit I'm depressed.

Listening to: Nickelback - 'This is how you remind me', 'Someday,' 'Far away', 'Photograph', 'Savin' me,' etc. You get the drift.

Wearing: Still in my pjs. At 11:00am in the morning.

Eating: Nothing. Drinking Milo.

Windows open: Just LPF.

Thinking: Why I am the way I am. And thoughts I wish I could stop thinking let alone share with anyone else

Yeah. Pretty much sums it up right there. I feel so damned low... I'm starting to wonder if there's something 'metaphysical' about it - like what the planetary influence is at present, cause it seems like everyone else is feeling this way too on some level... hmm. The old witch inside me never died I guess. *shrug*

Oh - current song - 'Hero,' Nickelback. Correlates so well to something I saw on Dr Phil the other day that for some reason really stuck with me. I dunno what others think, I sort of grew up with this mentality even as a kid that one day I'd grow up, meet this special guy, be swept away, fall madly in love to the point where all those love songs I'd ever heard finally made sense, then we'd settle down, live happily ever after, and things would finally start feeling like they mattered - like my life and all the **** I endured in my past would all have some kind of purpose.

*silence*

Now Dr Phil, (I know) said that this sociatal notion of being rescued by your soul mate or whatever you wanna call it is self-depreciating, and wrong. Soulmates are friends you bond with like anyother friend. You won't lock eyes across the room and suddenly begin that hollywood ideal of love at first sight. ****. To make matters worse I'm shy in RL, I'm shy and I'm angry, and the older I get the more miserable and lonely I get. No wonder guys don't look at me. Plus the guys I know already in my so-called social circle aren't the types I want to be with in any meaningful way. They're mostly married with kids and that's even more depressing. I'm starting to think that love is something you have for family and friends etc but as far as relationships go most people I know suffer through them, wallowing in self pity for being robbed of their happy-ever-afters with ideals that they'll never have anyway. It's just a self-perpetuating nightmare (been saying that a lot lately) but it's so true.

We're a lonely society. With technological advancements I can talk to you guys and not 'need' to talk to anyone else, thus widening that proverbial gulf between me and the rest of humanity, but as much as I feel I need the human connection it also terrifies me. I was abused too much when I was younger and I have no trust at all in the male species... it's no wonder I'm almost half way through my life and so miserable and alone.

:snuffle:

I guess one would say this makes for good writing. Hehe. True. But as it stands at the moment I haven't written for a few days - and the alarm bells started going off inside my head. Last night I sat here staring at the screen but not really reading it - just crying. I had to force myself to go to bed and watch a movie to stop myself obsessing over the impulsion to start slashing myself again with the sharpest thing I could find. I know I need help, I know my depression has come back, I know all of it... but I don't want to admit defeat. And there's this voice in the back of my head telling me this is just a bad run and in a few days I'll get over it. Maybe. But I can't explain my severe moodswings - like why I sudden'y get the urge to sprint down the street or jump off something high for the adrenalin rush - then sit here cuddling a pillow (or my long suffering *****-cats) and cry cause I'm just wholsitically exhausted. I don't want to go back to being an emotional zombie on my medication... I lost ten + years like that but I know one day if I don't keep myself in check I'll end up doing something stupid... and *** forbid final.

I shouldn't be such an alarmist. But on the upside if anyone's ever read my story at the writer's thread then you'll be recognising certain 'signs' in my and my characters behavioral patterns right about now. I think I'm bi-polar.

0_0

Anyway... enough tears. I can't focus on the screen otherwise! Meh.

I reckon now I've vented I'll read over this in a few days or next week and just shake my head. But for now, at this moment in time, it's me. ****, I need help.

Thanks for allowing me to vent/wallow/snuffle up the boards with my usual melodramatic fecal matter...

*hugs* if anyone's there.

-Rav

 

[twilightcrimson7]

Aww Rav, it makes me sad that you're this miserable. You of all people do not deserve this. u.u I know how you feel with most of this. I'm not as experienced in life as you are, or maybe as abused, but I can at least relate.

I agree with you on the relationship stuff. I mean, I've never even kissed a boy yet. I'm too **** shy, like you. Most of the time I tell myself it's not that big of a deal, and that someday, when the time is right, someone somewhere will come into my life. Sometimes I think the opposite. Or sometimes I hate either idea, and think either polyamorous thoughts, or a-amorous (o.o) thoughts. Either I will love many different people or none at all.

But I can't complain all too much. I have a nice family, and a couple really close best friends. And other friends that I love. So I'm not lonely in the physical sense. It's mostly the mental state which causes my lonliness. and I realize this. But I really don't do anything change it. why should I.

I don't know, so many thoughts. It seems like you always provoke my best rants, Rav

In any case, if I could, I would give you a big hug in the RL, but I can't. So consider my cyber-hugs my best attempt ^^

<3, twi

[edit]What Fi said makes a lot of sense, in a weird way. it's really interesting. I never thought of it like that

anyway

<3<3<3

 

[stupidsoul1]

Rav, I think you are experiencing the feeling of love.

I don't know how to explain it, but i assume woody told you of the arguments we have had...you also would of known we used to be close.

It was through that fight with her i realised soooo many things that usually most people shrug off as ok, life is a pain in the *** now get over it.

ok, lost my train of thought..

Love,yeah i said you are in love haha maybe in love with your life?! or something in it that you just dont know yet, i don't know i guess im trying to say its like you are looking for something that could most likely be infront of your face

When i was in love i got ****** off, angry the kind of angry when you just grab a chair and throw it at some one kinda angry it made me crazy because i was just torn apart that he went on holidays and i had all these people on my back.

Love is unobtainable, you think you find it with a person but that my friend is happiness i see it lots people get it confused.

Maybe feeling lonely is better then feeling like you are in love..

I am **** shy, until i get comfortable then im just a crazy lady.

If you become too social people will want to get into your pants -___- so like either way you can't win.

Just know we love you for who you are.

 

[Ravynlee]

Thanks guys. And for the hugs too.

I'm kinda getting what you said Fiona, but even as I lay here in my bed analysing it I'm still not 100% sure. Guess I can put it down to life as it is, accept it and keep doing what I normally do and hope it improves. I know part of my problem is I'm the type of person who needs to be doing something all the time, nothing monumental, but if I sit around I start to think too much and when I think I always over-analyse things - hear that quip about the man who looked so deep inside himself he drowned? That's me. As a woman. On the otherhand I know in myself I'm the only one who can change something in my life if I don't like it... the issue is how. Like I said, I can and do go days on end without talking to another human being, I'm very introverted, I hate the pub/club scene, and because of what I grew up with I don't trust a lot of people. When I do I usually cling on and suffocate them - then they leave and I'm back to square one again. Problem is I don't know how to get out of the rut I've gotten myself into. I've had therapy countless times but the so-called help I 'need' I can't afford.

I wake up everyday and it feels like the day before. I feel like my life has no purpose or meaning and I don't know what it is I want to do with my life, given that I'm practically half way through it almost and still without a sense of direction. When I get down I drag those around me down and I know it, so being alone is also a safety/self defence mechanism. I know even if I had that so-called special someone iwith me right now I'd still be miserable and I'd make him miserable too. I've done that before. ***, it's a vicious cycle.

I just want that human connection that isn't just physical. I want to be hugged by a man and not abused or expected to go further, and conversely I would love to hear a guy tell me he cares and actually be able to believe it. I would love to just connect with someone, someone I feel like I can talk to about anything and don't have to fear I'm inadequate somehow. It's all a ****** pipe dream anyway, all the men I've ever known or seem to attract are drunks, drug addicts, married men, or plain chauvenistic ********. All the sensitive ones are ruined by the time they're my age by women who have whatever I don't have and should know better - and then we're left with a generation of broken men and jaded women... ***, how depressing. The most depressing thing out of all of this is that after speaking to my psychologist friend a while back she tells me all these thoughts and feelings I'm having - so does everyone else. Some just push beyond it, some become rich rock stars and hide behind their facades (or find 'completeness' in another form), some give up and top themselves, and then there's people like me... who spend their lives in bars and in online chat rooms looking for that one person who will make them feel complete... and it's a farce anyway. The equasion of needing someone else to make someone feel complete never stood well with me... but it's still infected me all the same. I can't let go of it. It's ingrained in us as children. Women grow up, have babies, men grow up and provide, period. That's how it's 'always' been. That's what my brothers have all done and not one of them are happy. Not one. And I'm not doing as I'm supposed to and I'm not happy either. I feel like I should have kids, cars, mortgage, all that at this age... society EXPECTS that, even my mum's friends frown at my independence at not having settled down yet. I'm supposed to. Seems like the world settles for second best while waiting for the unobtainable that will never come along and spend their lives like me, lonely and resentful and still die incomplete.

***. This is such a downer...

Part of my problem is that despite my independence I actually do care what others think. I need acceptance. I also know part of it is self-defeating, when I get that I never beleive it, so I keep searching, and that's where what you Fiona said that rings true. Even when I have it I can't see the forrest for the trees. I know I'm talking myself down further... but rather than let it progress as I used to do - to the point where I am drunk, smashed, slashing myself with a straight-razor til I pass out (I promised myself I would never do that anymore - and it's been a few years now, thank ***) I made an appointment to see someone. GP for starters. Just to talk to someone - an objective third party, because talking usually helps. Hence these really long seemingly pointless rants. Writing is therapy. But even that won't solve the issue. So Friday I'll see my doc and take it from there. Maybe it's just a phase, we all go through them. But just because I know I have self-destructive tendencies, I'm gonna see someone first. Luv you guys but in all reality we are just disassociated words strung together to make comprehensive sentences to one another in this cyber realm - and considering computer programs can do this... we don't really have that human connection that I speak of anyway. Wish we did. I guess that's what the member's pix thread is for - reaffirming to one another we're real people not automative technological programs.

See what I mean about thinking too much???

***. I need to do something else for a while. Watched Twister earlier - that was a nice change. Luv that movie. Might watch Tomb Raider now. Or Stigmata. Seeing someone else in pain is always a good form of (aversion) therapy (look at funniest home videos shows if you don't believe me).

Thanks again for allowing me to rant. And for actually reading it, let alone taking the time out to respond. Most people just hit the back button and get the **** out of dodge. You guys help me feel connected to the human race - even if you're just words on a computer screen - and I do appreciate that.

*hugs*

-Rav

 

[Friðbjörn]

Wow Rav, I see myself having exactly the same life as you in the future, at least in part. Sure, I was not abused, I would rather shoot myself in the head rather than cutting, but, **** I feel the loneliness you speak of. And needing the acceptance in spite of the independence.

And what you said about being (or not) computer programs, or just stringing words together, well, you know, everything we do is just a concequence of chemical processes in our brain...

The question remains, do we control the processes, or do they control us?

I mean if they do, we have no free will, and if so we are basicly just organic "computer" programs...

 

[Ravynlee]

Wow - that's heavy...! :thumbsup:

Food for thought though.

As far as seeing your future on parr with my present...

Hmm. Dunno what to say about that one. If I could think of something smart to say - even if I could miraculously travel back in time and give myself a word of advice to avoid this sort of outcome - I can't think of anything. Maybe we aren't in control...?

And whoa - this conversation just took on a real philosophical bend - yikes!

I always quotes Rene Descartes at times like this, and his infamous quote; 'I think, therefore I am.' If technically we suffer the whims of organic processes (and one must ask the question, if this is the case, who created the processes or from what anomoly did they evolve on not just a biochemical level but a metaphysical one too, just to be confusing) then theoretically we don't think, we are 'given' our thoughts and we have no independent core self. If that's the case to what consortium does this 'controling power' come from, what is it, and how do we overcome it - if it's at all possible, like overriding the system so to speak. Maybe thoughts like depression or slashing are glitches...? Maybe I need to go back and watch the Matrix again, and see if I can devise my philosophical thought more astutely...

hehe.

***... I do believe that's the longest rant I've had where even I don't know what I was on... about.

Or... did I? *shifty eyes* And watching The secrets of the KGB last night on TV didn't help either - now I'm more suspicious of the general population than I was two days ago XD

At least I can joke about it I guess. There was a time when I don't think I could... maybe I just wouldn't let myself. Maybe that's all there is to it? Lack of general self control on extenuating (outside) circumstances equates to my fractured logic that I must deprive myself of things in order to feel a degree of control... man... deep. But I already thought that in a fashion. But anyway, now I rant for real. Like someone telling a humourless joke at the worst possible time... just... yeah...

Thanks *hugs*

*plugs back in to the main frame* XD

 

[Friðbjörn]

Yeah I mean, guys thinking about *** every 6 seconds, might very well be true, and well we don't actually control it. If it were up to me I wouldn't think about it, if I controlled what thoughts come to me, well then I wouldn't know what to think about, really. Maybe we are fed our thoughts, in order for us to actually think something. Who knows.

Like the *** thoughts planted in our heads are there to keep the species alive. There's a point to this all. And the more I think about it, the more I keep thinking we are unfree, enslaved, and have no control, and there is someone or something that controls this all.

I wish I could be bothered to translate my Matrix paper on its philosophy, that would really help explain my point, and opinion.

And hey, you might think you don't know what you mean, but I get what you're trying to say, you make an excellent point.

But, seeing as I find this all so complicated, I usually just don't want to think about all this, and I just get on with the same old same old life, to get away from all the thoughts I can't process.

Well Imma stop before this becomes the great wall of thoughts and wonderings...lol

 

[Ravynlee]

Thanks... um... very enlightening... I think.

No, for real. Thanks. Feel a lot better now I've vented. Being couped up all alone for three days has a tendency to make me get a little self-absorbed I guess you'd call it. But then again, it comes down to the way I think and retraining myself away from the negative self-talk. (Thanks Dr Phil again XD)

Its learning how to do this that's the trucky part.

And like you I just don't want to right now. Meh. The sound of the rain is so peaceful here... I actually feel relaxed now. Before I could've been waxed down and used as a surf board, sure of it XD

Nah. But the Matrix paper still sounds intriguing. If you ever get bored...

Hehe

Thanks again.

 

[Friðbjörn]

Glad to help

 

[stupidsoul1]

oh rav =(

haha yes!! i said something that was on topic!!

usually i end up talking about pink fluffy bananas with a pet monkey named pete..

**** real life, we accept you..

Ok maybe you need real life...well you hang out with people from work don't you?

 

[twilightcrimson7]

Like before, I understand what you're saying.

I guess a large part of it is acceptance, at least for me.

I know, venting always feels good

*huggles*

 

[Ravynlee]

oh rav =(haha yes!! i said something that was on topic!!

usually i end up talking about pink fluffy bananas with a pet monkey named pete..

**** real life, we accept you..

Ok maybe you need real life...well you hang out with people from work don't you?

No. They're all pretty much your age *laughs* Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's pretty pathetic to be thirty odd years old tagging about with a bunch of sixteen/seventeen year olds... no wait... isn't that what I'm doing right now...? XD

****.

But pink fluffy bananas with a pet monkey named pete...? That one's weird, even for me. Okay, I don't feel quite so bad anymore (or crazy for that matter) but I guess it's something I should have dealt with already. It's not like any of these feelings are new to me. Oh well. Cest La Vie!

Thanks again guys!

*tackle hugs*

 

[stupidsoul1]

well the managers and stuff?!

lol gee thanks rav.

 

[Ravynlee]

*laughs* Oops - reading that last post of mine over I get the impression I referred to you as crazy - haha. Guess we all are in some respects (I'm not responding to that one on the grounds I may and will certainly incriminate myself! - so says the self confessed LPF Rob ranter, hmm)

Anyway - not my intention. So sorry. I still luv ya - nuts, normal or... undecided.

As for the managers; Married with young kids, married with young kids, divorced (and currently going through vicious custody battle, there's a mantle I dont want to carry in any hurry), twenty (in body only), and a lesbian. Haha. Oh ***, now I'm insulting the alternate gender types out there! I don't mean it! ***... should just learn to keep my mouth shut shouldn't I? Having said that if I did manage that I wouldn't be me - try ranting with your mouth closed. Guess I'm gonna have to learn to speak around my foot I guess (seeing as how it's usually permanently lodged in there anyway - my mouth, figuratively speaking, of course).

So anyway, needless to say... there's no real oppertunity to socialise there either. Besides, I'm the rare type that likes to try and keep some relative distance between work and personal life. Unlike my previous housemate who tried seducing half the restaurant so I've heard. Hmm. Anyway...

Such is life I guess.

 

[Ravynlee]

Oops again - double post.

Am watching Dr Phil again but for once I'm not self-analysing. It's a terrible story about a young girl that was murdered by her mother's ex-boyfriend... and *** help me I'm crying right along with them. I'm such a soft touch.

Well I went to the doctors today - only took me six months *meh, don't like to be rushed apparently* and my iron level's low. I knew it would be, hence there was no rushing back there. The general iron count (forget what it's called, counting the red blood cells?) for the average person should be about 130. 6 months ago when I had my last blood test I just under 110. Its expected I'm way lower than that now (lucky to be pushing 100)

-sorry, more tear works over this story-

Yeah, I'm going on for tests soon to see if they can pin-point the cause of my anaemia. It doesn't appear to run in the family but I don't know. It's pretty worriesome in that I just feel worn out all the time, and getting dizzy and feeling faint in a busy kitchen is never a good thing. I'm a clutz at teh best of times! XD They're checking to see if I have an ulcer or something that's causing it - but I just want it to end. I'm getting more and more tired, sore, heart goes nuts like Robbie on the drums *swoon*... but it's getting colder now, winter's on it's way, so maybe I'm just slipping into somekind of hybernation mind-set. Hmm. Rav the Bear. Doesn't sound as right as Rav the Rob Ranter, tehehe.

Anyway - I have to go to work soon. Soon enough anyway.

Laters,

*tackle hugs*

-Rav

 

[twilightcrimson7]

Aww poor rav!!! *huggles*

I have a friend who's anemic too. You gotta take care of yourself... eat lotsa fruit

I hope you feel better soon!!!

<3 Twi

 

[Friðbjörn]

woah

I hope you don't have any serious illnesses or something