Now listening to: 'You Wouldn't Know' - HellYeah
[May 20, 2008]
My ex and I hung out for about 2 1/2 hours after school. We just sat in her car and talked it was fun. For the first time since she started going out with her current boyfriend I really enjoyed being with her and wished it didn't end. My emotions are so messed up with her. I look at her as a friend and that is all. I don't have any emotional liking of her, but I won't lie I am still sexually attracted to her. She asked me what I thought of her (feeling wise) and I told her. She laughed...I was so relieved I didn't know what she would say, but I have never lied to her (one of the few people I haven't). She said it was funny. I think she is still to me also. Around each other we talk during in a joke manner, but I think we both mean some of it. Its kinda funny cause that is how it was before I told her how I felt and we started dating. I know though she wouldn't ever cheat on her boyfriend. She isn't a ****. Now that I think of it though, I don't know maybe I do still like her a lot subconsciously. The last week though I have noticed things about her that I don't like and I don't think we would work out. The situation is weird when I think about it. I don't want to harm my relationship with her so I am not gonna make any advances towards her. I feel like I hurt her before when we started talking again. Her current boyfriend (and at the time bf) locked her out of his car and said something along the lines of "Go to your car and be with him or come to my car and be with me." She told me she cried for 10 minutes in her car before texting me that me and her could only be friends. This was on Valentines Day. 2 Days later they broke up and we dated the following weekend. I can't do that to her again. I just want her to be happy. But I always ask myself, do I want to confront her and tell her I like her more than a friend or do I not like her as more than a friend. I would think it would be easy to decide but the area seems so gray.
I think I am finally clean. She said something to me today. She gave me a hug and said, "I am so glad your not doing drugs, you don't know how much it means to me. If you ever have problems again and I will talk to you even if it takes all night." It surprised me since it came from no where I asked her about it and she said for the first time since I left for Spring Break I am me again. I find it funny. Cause I still feel dead and confused...more than I have in last few years...
I understand them going together I am 100% cool with that...just sucks I couldn't even say hi to her...lol
