[Hawk's Journal]
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FireHawk
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Now Listening: Fine Again - Seether
^stole that from Sarah
[May 21, 2008]
Today was a mental and emotional roller coaster for me. Everything started horrible I woke up at 7:15AM and arrived at school at 7:30AM so I was dead tired first part of day. I had a sudden burst of energy about 3rd period, but then felt like **** all the way to the end of 6th period. I was so happy and warm on the inside nothing could go wrong...my friends and I having a great time. We all started to hit each other in private spots (don't ask why it started with my friend getting bagged my one of my others for no other reason). It calmed down and I was like "**** all of you no one got me." Then my ex (standing beside me (and was watching us and laughing early)) went and tried to get me, but I did like a matrix move with my book and blocked it. We all laughed then. I went to 7th period and everything went to ****. My thoughts were racing, I kept getting distracted, I couldn't stop my leg from moving. It was so wierd. I came back feeling like **** and walked out with my ex (like usual) and she talked to me and tried cheering me up. She couldn't though and left. So I sat in parking lot for like 1/2hr waiting for my friend to show up to car pool to work and I texted my ex who said she was hoping I would have asked her to wait with me. I wish I would she probably could cheered me up. About half way through my shift at work I lighten up talking to the one guy who was wiring with me. Now I am just fine. My emotions are crazy lately. One minute I am having fun the next, I want to die...
^stole that from Sarah
Its not that its just...I don't know if I like her as more than a friend or not...I am like somewhere in between...All I know is her boyfriend is a d-bag and I wish she was with somebody, anybody else.
[May 21, 2008]
Today was a mental and emotional roller coaster for me. Everything started horrible I woke up at 7:15AM and arrived at school at 7:30AM so I was dead tired first part of day. I had a sudden burst of energy about 3rd period, but then felt like **** all the way to the end of 6th period. I was so happy and warm on the inside nothing could go wrong...my friends and I having a great time. We all started to hit each other in private spots (don't ask why it started with my friend getting bagged my one of my others for no other reason). It calmed down and I was like "**** all of you no one got me." Then my ex (standing beside me (and was watching us and laughing early)) went and tried to get me, but I did like a matrix move with my book and blocked it. We all laughed then. I went to 7th period and everything went to ****. My thoughts were racing, I kept getting distracted, I couldn't stop my leg from moving. It was so wierd. I came back feeling like **** and walked out with my ex (like usual) and she talked to me and tried cheering me up. She couldn't though and left. So I sat in parking lot for like 1/2hr waiting for my friend to show up to car pool to work and I texted my ex who said she was hoping I would have asked her to wait with me. I wish I would she probably could cheered me up. About half way through my shift at work I lighten up talking to the one guy who was wiring with me. Now I am just fine. My emotions are crazy lately. One minute I am having fun the next, I want to die...
FireHawk
New member
[May 22, 2008]
I got my haircut...I have no reason to post this but yeah I did...and I feel great today I have no idea why....
I found out June 13th I get so schedule classes for Purdue! I am not sure though if I want to go to college though anymore. I have been thinking of maybe just doing a music career. I wouldn't mind struggling to live as a musician. I love music.
I got my haircut...I have no reason to post this but yeah I did...and I feel great today I have no idea why....
I found out June 13th I get so schedule classes for Purdue! I am not sure though if I want to go to college though anymore. I have been thinking of maybe just doing a music career. I wouldn't mind struggling to live as a musician. I love music.
FireHawk
New member
[May 24, 2008]
Well my Mustang's transmission is starting to go south. I am idling a 2000RPM now. I messed it up a while back when I blew the original engine because the transmission decided to down shift on high way. I owe $1,000 to my parents on it still also, but I am gonna ask they sign it over to me as my graduation present. If so I am going to put a 350 engine in it and convert it over to a stick shift (they won't let me modify it till I own it). So basically it will be faster than most Mustang GTs and mine is just a 1995 V6 Mustang. I can't wait I just gotta get my parents to sign it over to me so I can replace the engine and transmission. I figure why basically pay to rebuild a Mustang I ****** up when I can make it FAST. Well here are is a pic of it I took it was a little dirty when I got it last year.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v215/FireHawk/MyMustangFrontandDriverSide.jpg
Well my Mustang's transmission is starting to go south. I am idling a 2000RPM now. I messed it up a while back when I blew the original engine because the transmission decided to down shift on high way. I owe $1,000 to my parents on it still also, but I am gonna ask they sign it over to me as my graduation present. If so I am going to put a 350 engine in it and convert it over to a stick shift (they won't let me modify it till I own it). So basically it will be faster than most Mustang GTs and mine is just a 1995 V6 Mustang. I can't wait I just gotta get my parents to sign it over to me so I can replace the engine and transmission. I figure why basically pay to rebuild a Mustang I ****** up when I can make it FAST. Well here are is a pic of it I took it was a little dirty when I got it last year.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v215/FireHawk/MyMustangFrontandDriverSide.jpg
DarknessLover
New member
looks freaking hot, lets pray they sign it over, so you can fix that baby up XD, best of luck
FireHawk
New member
[May 25, 2008]
Jessica (my ex) sent me a great text today saying we can't hang out after school anymore cause her boyfriend got ****** and has had someone spying on us for the past week. Its funny cause the "spy" should have realized we just sit and talk its not like we are hugging, kissing, and *******...he is a jerk...I think she is mad at me cause I told her it was bound to happen and that we shouldn't hang out if her boyfriend isn't cool with me. She said she still wanted to be friends and as sorry. I told her it wasn't her fault and I understand him being upset but it is kinda sad he can't trust his girlfriend with someone she was best friends with in middle school. Then she said yeah how you would handle it. I told her, "Truthfully I would tell you I was upset and look you square in the eye with all sincerity and say I trust you, but if I found out there is more I will never talk to you again. I wouldn't be a little ***** about it." I guess she didn't like the little ***** part and has not texted me for last 30 minutes but its okay, I know she will text me later tonight. I will probably tell her its alright there is only 4 days of high school left, and my prediction of us never talking after school looks like its happening. She will text me and say that is not true, and that her boyfriend will not separate our friendship. The sad thing is I don't think she is right and she will lose one of her last "real friends" (lost most cause of her boyfriend being a **** to them), as she says I am, and I will lose one if not my best friend.
Jessica (my ex) sent me a great text today saying we can't hang out after school anymore cause her boyfriend got ****** and has had someone spying on us for the past week. Its funny cause the "spy" should have realized we just sit and talk its not like we are hugging, kissing, and *******...he is a jerk...I think she is mad at me cause I told her it was bound to happen and that we shouldn't hang out if her boyfriend isn't cool with me. She said she still wanted to be friends and as sorry. I told her it wasn't her fault and I understand him being upset but it is kinda sad he can't trust his girlfriend with someone she was best friends with in middle school. Then she said yeah how you would handle it. I told her, "Truthfully I would tell you I was upset and look you square in the eye with all sincerity and say I trust you, but if I found out there is more I will never talk to you again. I wouldn't be a little ***** about it." I guess she didn't like the little ***** part and has not texted me for last 30 minutes but its okay, I know she will text me later tonight. I will probably tell her its alright there is only 4 days of high school left, and my prediction of us never talking after school looks like its happening. She will text me and say that is not true, and that her boyfriend will not separate our friendship. The sad thing is I don't think she is right and she will lose one of her last "real friends" (lost most cause of her boyfriend being a **** to them), as she says I am, and I will lose one if not my best friend.
FireHawk
New member
[May 26, 2008]
Well jammed with the band for 7 straight hours. 6 of the hours we were finishing this song that turns out to be 6 minutes long. LOL I have never written anything that long...the music is very creepy in total we have probally sent 20 some hours on this song...We played 12 AM - 7 AM and got up at 11 AM and played it again and wouldn't couldn't remeber the breakdown so we are all kinda re learning it today...there is like so many parts to this song but I have an awsome lead line in the chorus
Well jammed with the band for 7 straight hours. 6 of the hours we were finishing this song that turns out to be 6 minutes long. LOL I have never written anything that long...the music is very creepy in total we have probally sent 20 some hours on this song...We played 12 AM - 7 AM and got up at 11 AM and played it again and wouldn't couldn't remeber the breakdown so we are all kinda re learning it today...there is like so many parts to this song but I have an awsome lead line in the chorus
littleblackstone
New member
i wish i could hear that... sounds cool[May 26, 2008]
Well jammed with the band for 7 straight hours. 6 of the hours we were finishing this song that turns out to be 6 minutes long. LOL I have never written anything that long...the music is very creepy in total we have probally sent 20 some hours on this song...We played 12 AM - 7 AM and got up at 11 AM and played it again and wouldn't couldn't remeber the breakdown so we are all kinda re learning it today...there is like so many parts to this song but I have an awsome lead line in the chorus
FireHawk
New member
i still have studio time reserved in june so its possiblei wish i could hear that... sounds cool
---
Random video from last winter of me playing:
https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/lH3c8Q83x60?feature=oembed
FireHawk
New member
[May 26,2008] - POSSIBLY THE END
its over **** it i dont want to live anymore i think this maybe my last light night i dont know i dont care my thoughts are racing i have just been stabbed in the heart why do i care so much there is not point was it love that drove me here i dont think i have ever been in love i dont know i just feel like dieing i have no one to talk to i am about to cry no idea what the **** to do i am losing it i cant stand between to people i understand why do i have to lose her again i dont love her though we are just friends but why does it hurt so bad this cant be love if this is love i am glad i have never been love i think its just pain i just lost my best friend for a second time in my life she said we would always be friends and nothing would stand between us i trusted her she saved me she let me be me again what the **** i dont know what to say or do i hate everything i hate me i hate you i hate everyone i am in shock i cant think this there is no way i should be sad but now i am angry oh my *** the emotions are all over i am starting another roller coaster she better not try to talk to me tomorrow i am so understanding **** it i dont care she wont see me tomorrow i will make sure **** it maybe no one will i dont know now i am just ranting i am shaking i cant do it i want to but cant i couldnt do it before there is now way i can do it this time oh my *** it hurts why i just went through some of best times of my life o **** i am crying now why does this have to happen he is a **** how can he separate us and say he loves her he knows i am the only person she talks to besides him and knows there is nothing between us what the **** he even spied how can she love him oh my *** i am angry sad frustrated confused shattered feel sick all at the same time the only thing keeping me from doing something stupid is this **** keyboard i dont know what i am gonna do after this message i am making each decisions each second at the time i think i am gonna throw up oh my *** she is a ******* ***** i hate her she said last 3 years without me we hard when she looked at me knowing i turned my back on her what the **** maybe i do deserve this this better not be karma oh my *** did i cause this what the **** i dont know what to do i just ******* vomited i am so scared i feel defensless now what is wrong oh my *** i hate everyone i hate myself i hate her i hate him i need to try to think this through but its so hard oh my *** i dont know what to do
its over **** it i dont want to live anymore i think this maybe my last light night i dont know i dont care my thoughts are racing i have just been stabbed in the heart why do i care so much there is not point was it love that drove me here i dont think i have ever been in love i dont know i just feel like dieing i have no one to talk to i am about to cry no idea what the **** to do i am losing it i cant stand between to people i understand why do i have to lose her again i dont love her though we are just friends but why does it hurt so bad this cant be love if this is love i am glad i have never been love i think its just pain i just lost my best friend for a second time in my life she said we would always be friends and nothing would stand between us i trusted her she saved me she let me be me again what the **** i dont know what to say or do i hate everything i hate me i hate you i hate everyone i am in shock i cant think this there is no way i should be sad but now i am angry oh my *** the emotions are all over i am starting another roller coaster she better not try to talk to me tomorrow i am so understanding **** it i dont care she wont see me tomorrow i will make sure **** it maybe no one will i dont know now i am just ranting i am shaking i cant do it i want to but cant i couldnt do it before there is now way i can do it this time oh my *** it hurts why i just went through some of best times of my life o **** i am crying now why does this have to happen he is a **** how can he separate us and say he loves her he knows i am the only person she talks to besides him and knows there is nothing between us what the **** he even spied how can she love him oh my *** i am angry sad frustrated confused shattered feel sick all at the same time the only thing keeping me from doing something stupid is this **** keyboard i dont know what i am gonna do after this message i am making each decisions each second at the time i think i am gonna throw up oh my *** she is a ******* ***** i hate her she said last 3 years without me we hard when she looked at me knowing i turned my back on her what the **** maybe i do deserve this this better not be karma oh my *** did i cause this what the **** i dont know what to do i just ******* vomited i am so scared i feel defensless now what is wrong oh my *** i hate everyone i hate myself i hate her i hate him i need to try to think this through but its so hard oh my *** i dont know what to do
littleblackstone
New member
Hawk...
Please tell me that you'r alright, that u did nothing stupid... oh my ***...
I really know how you feel, trust me i do.. That feeling of not knowing what to do, and all because of a person... a person that we love..
But, please!! Tell me, tell us that you didnt do anything bad. It's not worth it, you just have to carry on and live your life.
I know that maybe you won't give a **** for what i'm saying, but at least i'v tried.. because i really know how it feels.
*hugs*
Please tell me that you'r alright, that u did nothing stupid... oh my ***...
I really know how you feel, trust me i do.. That feeling of not knowing what to do, and all because of a person... a person that we love..
But, please!! Tell me, tell us that you didnt do anything bad. It's not worth it, you just have to carry on and live your life.
I know that maybe you won't give a **** for what i'm saying, but at least i'v tried.. because i really know how it feels.
*hugs*
FireHawk
New member
[May 27, 2008]
I went threw some ****** up **** yesterday I won't lie and that post was spur of the moment me trying to get stress off of my back. All that I said was how I felt and I was scared last night about what I would do to myself. The first thing I did was go for the pills. I realized I didn't have anymore cause Jessica got me to throw them away. I was so angry after that I was in rage. I lost it all, my room is still trashed. I really think if I would have had access to a gun last night I would killed myself. Jessica I think saved my life without doing anything last night. I am almost 100% sure I would have O.D.ed if I would have had pills. I did the only thing I can do when times like this happened and wrote songs. I cranked out three songs last night (lyrics only). One of the songs that was my best I think was titled "The End" I wrote it in less than 10 minutes. I ended up crying myself to sleep. I hadn't hurt so bad in long time.
Today I decided I am gonna write three more songs that deal with this situation and try to distribute lyrics and get a band to record a concept EP. I can tie the first three songs together so it should not be a problem. I felt like **** all day. I saw Jessica in marching practice (for graduation) during period 3 and 4 she just looked at me with a face that was either her wanting me to feel sorry for her or she was sad and wanted me to talk to her. After all its her boyfriend told her she better not talk to me anymore and she said she loved him and wants to straighten stuff out. Regardless I didn't say a word we just looked at each other for a time that was probably short but seemed like hours. It was so odd. I gave a half *** forced smile (I think she realized) and I turned away. I don't feel sorry for her, she said that no one would come between our friendship and if he had a problem with us being friends he would have to live with it. ****. I feel betrayed but at the same time I don't care. I don't want to talk to her right now. At the same time, at least she said goodbye to me and was sorry it had to happen. When I left our friendship behind before, I never said a word to her I just acted like she didn't exist. I feel like I deserve this but it still hurts so bad. I don't want to talk to her, but I do at the same time. My friend told me she looked like she was so close to tears during first period today. When I heard that I winced hoping it wasn't because of the last thing I said to her. "What the **** ever, I don't care, I went 3 years without talking to you and was fine, I can do it again."
I went threw some ****** up **** yesterday I won't lie and that post was spur of the moment me trying to get stress off of my back. All that I said was how I felt and I was scared last night about what I would do to myself. The first thing I did was go for the pills. I realized I didn't have anymore cause Jessica got me to throw them away. I was so angry after that I was in rage. I lost it all, my room is still trashed. I really think if I would have had access to a gun last night I would killed myself. Jessica I think saved my life without doing anything last night. I am almost 100% sure I would have O.D.ed if I would have had pills. I did the only thing I can do when times like this happened and wrote songs. I cranked out three songs last night (lyrics only). One of the songs that was my best I think was titled "The End" I wrote it in less than 10 minutes. I ended up crying myself to sleep. I hadn't hurt so bad in long time.
Today I decided I am gonna write three more songs that deal with this situation and try to distribute lyrics and get a band to record a concept EP. I can tie the first three songs together so it should not be a problem. I felt like **** all day. I saw Jessica in marching practice (for graduation) during period 3 and 4 she just looked at me with a face that was either her wanting me to feel sorry for her or she was sad and wanted me to talk to her. After all its her boyfriend told her she better not talk to me anymore and she said she loved him and wants to straighten stuff out. Regardless I didn't say a word we just looked at each other for a time that was probably short but seemed like hours. It was so odd. I gave a half *** forced smile (I think she realized) and I turned away. I don't feel sorry for her, she said that no one would come between our friendship and if he had a problem with us being friends he would have to live with it. ****. I feel betrayed but at the same time I don't care. I don't want to talk to her right now. At the same time, at least she said goodbye to me and was sorry it had to happen. When I left our friendship behind before, I never said a word to her I just acted like she didn't exist. I feel like I deserve this but it still hurts so bad. I don't want to talk to her, but I do at the same time. My friend told me she looked like she was so close to tears during first period today. When I heard that I winced hoping it wasn't because of the last thing I said to her. "What the **** ever, I don't care, I went 3 years without talking to you and was fine, I can do it again."
woodyloveslinkin
New member
ouch. that was harsh Justin on both sides of the story.
FireHawk
New member
I know I feel so bad but not really at the same time I am so confused. My band though is gonna love me this weekend if I am in the same mood as now though...when my emotions are ****** i have good riffs written lol. Wow my life is like a soap opera you might as well just make a script out of this journal. 3 Days left of school and everything going to ****.
Also Yesterday they busted a kid who was gonna shoot up school (they found names and a bunch of guns in his room and a diagram of where the kids usually sit at lunch)
EDIT: Thanks for the support guys forget to say that last post
Also Yesterday they busted a kid who was gonna shoot up school (they found names and a bunch of guns in his room and a diagram of where the kids usually sit at lunch)
EDIT: Thanks for the support guys forget to say that last post
woodyloveslinkin
New member
No problem.
Haha! Life must really suck for those kids right now.
Haha! Life must really suck for those kids right now.
littleblackstone
New member
Anytime boy
FireHawk
New member
[May 28, 2008]
Project 7 is launching soon! I am purchasing a Ibanez RG7321 7 String Electric Guitar ($370) and new 7 String Pickups ($160) tomorrow. I plan on stripping the guitar completely and just using the wood and body to complete customize my own guitar. It will be like my own signature model. The pickups I got are similar to Head and Munkey's old signature guitar but I have a little more umph in my bridge pickup and a more jazz sounds neck pickup (mostly for when no distortion). A few friends are drawing designs for me; I plan on doing a custom paint job and design (I have a friend who has an awesome airbrush). I am hoping to have this done by mid June, since most of the work should be done by 1st week of June.
Stock Picture of Ibanez RG7321:
http://img3.musiciansfriend.com/dbase/pics/products/6/8/1/416681.jpg
This project is gonna be fun and keep my mind off Jessica
Project 7 is launching soon! I am purchasing a Ibanez RG7321 7 String Electric Guitar ($370) and new 7 String Pickups ($160) tomorrow. I plan on stripping the guitar completely and just using the wood and body to complete customize my own guitar. It will be like my own signature model. The pickups I got are similar to Head and Munkey's old signature guitar but I have a little more umph in my bridge pickup and a more jazz sounds neck pickup (mostly for when no distortion). A few friends are drawing designs for me; I plan on doing a custom paint job and design (I have a friend who has an awesome airbrush). I am hoping to have this done by mid June, since most of the work should be done by 1st week of June.
Stock Picture of Ibanez RG7321:
http://img3.musiciansfriend.com/dbase/pics/products/6/8/1/416681.jpg
This project is gonna be fun and keep my mind off Jessica
woodyloveslinkin
New member
Looks AND sounds awesome